If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
