So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
