am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize