It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
