Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
