I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Nicole vs. Life
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
