he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
