That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
