I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
