Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
