i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
