jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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