I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
