So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
