The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
