I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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