Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
