just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
