I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
