I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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