Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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