I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
