We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
