A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
