My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the condom got lost in my hair
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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