Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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