omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm at about main and main street
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
