Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
