I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
