i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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