I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
