Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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