I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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