So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And then my night got REAL pukey
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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