he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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