Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize