that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
