There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
