My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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