You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
