I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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