I think I am morally bankrupt
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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