It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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