I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize