I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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