had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I am midnight drunk by noon
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize