Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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