Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Found your dick twin last night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
