Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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