Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
