i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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