Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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