I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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