paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize