Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize