as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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