If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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