Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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