Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
