You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize