We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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