Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
